Why am I opening my mouth?

Question: I've been reprimanded by my boss a few times lately for saying inappropriate things to clients. I'm maybe just making conversation before a meeting starts, or making jokes at business lunches, then later I hear that someone got really offended and has requested that I be taken off the project. The problem is, I don't know when I'm about to say something offensive to someone, and I don't even know when I have done so, so how can I change it?

Answer: It's my belief that everything we do and say arises from some inner motivation. I'm saying nothing particularly revolutionary here. Think about it - if you get up from your couch and walk to the fridge it's because you're motivated by a need for food, or because you're planning on going to the grocery store and need some clarity about what you want to buy. When you crack a joke at a business meeting you're motivated by the desire to create a connection, or to put people at ease, or just to enjoy a fun moment with other people.

Much of the time it doesn't seem to make that much difference whether we're conscious of our inner motivations or not. However, if I ever sense tension creeping into a conversation, or if I'm in a professional setting, I want to remain very aware of my motivations every time I open my mouth. Just like you switch on the spell-checker before sending out a professional email, I switch on my "motivation checker" before speaking in a business context, or in a tense conversation. Before speaking I ask myself "Why am I opening my mouth?"

Let's take an example. You're chatting with a client and you're about to say "I never use the Google search engine because I don't like their privacy practices." It's just an opinion, right? It's based on something you've read or seen.... Sure, and it's just one of any number of things you could be saying at this moment. What's motivation you to say this? Are you hoping to influence or to educate your client? Are you raising an issue which may be relevant to your business together? Do you want to be known as someone with a strong sense of individuality, or known for how much you value privacy?

This self-check can be used at home just as much as at work. It can become second nature and take only a matter of a few seconds or less, while saving you untold time and energy. We probably all have examples of things we've said unconsciously which resulted in damage to a relationship which took a very long time to mend. Once you've connected with your underlying motivation you may often find that you reword what you're about to say, or find a different thing to say which more directly or effectively conveys what you want, or is more likely to achieve whatever you're motivated to achieve.