Am I too emotional at work?

Question: My boss says I’m too emotionally volatile and that this is the one obstacle preventing him promoting me. It’s mainly to do with a few occasions when he totally undermined me in meetings with clients. I stayed calm in front of our clients, but then pretty much let my boss have it after the meetings. I’m good at my job and I say what I think. My boss even admitted he saw my point on these occasions. But… I don’t want this reputation. What do you suggest?

Answer: My guess is that you expressed some very strongly worded language of blame and criticism. After all, you think he did something wrong, so you told him. However, few people enjoy hearing blame and criticism, so your boss was probably struggling to hang in there and listen to your point of view. When he says you’re too volatile he’s joining you in the criticism game, because, well, it’s a popular game. You can step out of the game any time, however.

Blame and criticism are your thoughts on what another person is doing wrong. You will become a more powerful communicator if you learn to “tell it like it is” without without expressing those thoughts. For starters, mention the other person or their actions only in strict observation language. For example:

“Boss, can we talk about the moment when you said to the client ‘I can throw in the customer service package at no extra charge’.” There’s no blame or criticism here, just an observation about the words spoken by your boss.

Now, describe how you were affected, or how you see the implications. For example:

“I was shocked, because my understanding was we were to give no further cost-free incentives. I told the client this in earlier talks. I’m concerned that the trust I’ve established with them will be undermined. Can you understand my concern?”

This is a statement about you — you’re still speaking your mind. “Telling it like it is” does not mean delivering unfiltered blame and criticism, it means telling the truth. So you tell the truth about your concerns. Be succinct. Use 40 words or less if you can manage it, and certainly stay under a minute no matter what. Any more and the other person will probably start putting more energy into their defense or “rebuttal” than listening to your words.

Complete with an immediate request for a response from your boss. In a potentially tense conversation like this you want to keep inviting the other person to respond, you want to stay current with whether they’re understanding you, and how they’re responding.
So, what about the “emotional volatility.” Well, you’ll notice that to speak in the way I’m suggesting would require you to take a few breaths. (We’re much quicker to come up blame and criticism than true words about ourselves.) If after a few breaths you still don’t feel ready to use the approach I’m suggesting, I’d say it’s better for you to take some more breaths rather than to start speaking. My prediction is that you will no longer be described as “emotionally volatile” with this approach.